Yeah yeah Happy Valentine’s day to you! (you thought I would be anything but bitter? Today!!?!) February 14, 2009Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.
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To Mom & Dad To friends To the ridiculous Ram/shiv/laxman Sena/hooligans disguised as “preservers” of Indian culture (who definitely do NOT deserve to be associated with religion or god)
(Images courtesy http://www.someecards.com/)
On an aside : the reason I couldn’t go on my diet today! February 10, 2009Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.
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Decadent bluberry muffins. I had no idea I could make something this good. OH MY GOD, these turned out p-e-r-f-e-c-t!
(And you don’t know craving till the day before you are supposed to go on a diet :D)
Baby steps! February 10, 2009Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.
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2008 was supposed to be a revolutionary year in my book. I had promised to be more pro-active, wrap up my research, search for a job/internship, switch to a healthier lifestyle, basically get my life together. Nothing very earth-shaking, infact all my goals shared the virtue of being quite ordinary. And the reason for such, well, “low” expectations was simple – I was still learning to be on my own!
I have had the dubious advantage of having very protective and at the same time very progressive parents. That coupled with the fact that I was (and uh…still am) a total nerd (and not even a studious nerd, I was the kind who would read ANYTHING other than text books!) didn’t make for a very practical and worldly wise human being. My mother, a practicing doctor for the past 30 years is a creature of habit and may be the most practical and normal member of my family. Whatever semblance of routine we had in our lives was marked thanks to Mom and meal times- Mum would cook all 3 meals successfully compartmentalizing the day in to morning, afternoon and evening. I never realized that a day could be seamless, i.e., until I started living on my own, mornings were pretty much out of the window as I hardly wake up before 10:00 and never before 9:00! (Weekends are pretty much a blur of trying to block the daylight out and spending the nights awake propped in front of my laptop, the magic box, which has become the boon and the bane of my existence). After the morning, lunch which would have marked the official descent of the day into afternoon, is pretty much absent from my itinerary and dinners are a hot mess with me oscillating between cereals on night when I do happen to notice the expanding waistline (with all the missed meals you’d think atleast the waist would behave but I think my body just reacts to all the stories about how EVERYONE gains a ton of weight after landing in the U.S. of A and just tries to keep up!) and pizzas when I just don’t give a damn (ohhhh this is when all the expansion happens :P).
Dad, otoh, has been the driving force behind my crazy! I always wanted to be like him, I saw him as this jet-setting business man who got to travel the world, make decisions, sleep, eat, do anything at any time he liked and of course someone who never-ever got mad at me. I followed him around all day long (it helped that he worked from home) and he took me with him almost everywhere, I bet anything my umbilical cord was attached to dad rather than to Mom (Wow that paints an awkward picture!). Life at home was pretty rosy (only in retrospect though, I don’t think anyone between the ages of 13 to 21 would admit that life is good, coz that’s the period when the anguished tormented soul is trying to break free of the social norms and find her/himself!).
Then one fine day my absolutely confused hiney was packed in an airplane and left to fend for itself on a continent halfway around the world! My only crime was getting a good GRE score (Hah! and you thought I wouldn’t brag about that :D) and applying to universities! Not that I was completely against the idea but I did feel like a premature baby too soon out in the world. Every single day just convinced me that research is not for me, still the first 2 semesters were easier to survive, the classes were easy and so far apart but I missed the hunger to learn, and the more I was disheartened by my reality, the more I turned to dreaming! I lead a complete and quite a colorful life in my head, which, though, was set in the future, the present just became a blob! What I didn’t realize was that decisions are made on the basis of present circumstances and not on something that someday just might exist.
2008 saw many resolutions aiming for the life in my head. I was supposed to have been done with my MS, and that knowledge with my own need to please everyone and the copious amount of guilt that I accumulated (since I thought I was never being good enough, I think I just needed my prof to come and give me a hug every single day, which no self-respecting prof would do!). Problem was that I could do the work but couldn’t be interested in it, so I found that taking care of my lab-mates’ work was much easier than actually focusing on my own! It was/is so simple. I don’t enjoy what I do, but was it normal for it to have such a hold on my life? I don’t know. I don’t even know if someday I’ll figure out what really makes me happy. I do need to live in the present however. I need to do what makes me happy TODAY! May be it’s a lesson learned too late. I won’t fault myself for being naive, for trying (coz I did!) because that’s how I’ll learn. Having spent too many hours just pointing fingers at myself for everything that was going wrong (it was my fault I didn’t like my work, it was my fault I ever took the damn GRE, it was my fault I never did anything sooner about it, it was my fault that I’hv never had enough confidence..etc etc.) and quite literally driving myself to the edge I have decided to forgive myself. No it’s not easy. I have been quite stupid, it won’t be easy to face my fears, it won’t be easy to get back on the track, I have to finish what I started and I will. I know I will!
Tag! February 3, 2009Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.
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1. What time did you get up this morning? at an embarrassingly late hour!! o.k. at 11:00!
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Ummmm it was either 300 or Ratatouille (yeah it was that long ago! I don’t believe in stuffing the pockets of already rich capitalist multiplex owner with my hard-saved money (not earning yet, still a student :P), I’d rather settle for the (pirated) online version 😛
4. What is your favorite TV show? Frasier (I want to be him! Pretentious and all…(plz ignore the tirade against capitalists, in the previous statement!)
5. What do you usually have for Breakfast? Nothing, but I swear I am gonna change that really soon
6. What is your middle name? Sidharth (manly! I know…well as a desi would say “what to do?”)
7. What food do you dislike? Ummm….there really isn’t anything I wouldn’t eat…o.k. remembered one — Shrimp.
7a. what foods are your favorite? Ooooh tough one…anything made with love and with tons of calories 😀
8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Mixed Songs (Hindi Old Songs)
9. What kind of car do you drive? I don’t drive! I am driven around 🙂
10. Favorite sandwich? Portobello with cheese -- yum!
11. Characteristic do you despise? Being judgmental. Everyone goes through shit!
12. Favorite item of clothing? A scarf — no fit issues 😛
13. If you could go to any place in the world on vacation, where would you go? A private tropical beach.
14. What is your favorite way to pass the time of day? Baking (this is a new one though!) but I think I am happiest when I am creating something and baking satisfies both the creative urge and hunger pangs 🙂
15. Where would you retire to? I have no idea right now.
16. What was your most memorable birthday? Hmmm…none in particular…most of my birthdays have been happy ones!
17. Furthest place you are sending this?. India
18. Person you expect to send it back first. Anyone who’s vela today at work or who loves talking about themsleves just as much as I do!! — I’ll steal this response from the previous person who filled this out 😛
19. When is your birthday? 4th April (not very far, better start saving now for a gift!)
20. Morning person or a night person? I am a total Ullu!
21. What is your shoe size? it depends on the kind of shoe…from US size 9 to size 10
22. Pets? none but once I have my own place and a job I do intend to have atleast 5 dogs! Yeah I am gonna be the crazy dog lady!
23. Anything exciting to share? I just started a blog and am gonna use this as a post.
24. What did you want to be when you were little? An artist/writer/designer/Psychiatrist (and the last one, not just from watching Frasier!)
25. How are you today? Hopeful (that’s always a good thing right?)
26. What is your favorite flower? Lily
27. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? the day I land a job!
28. What are you listening to right now? to my comp’s humming sound!
29. What was the last thing you ate? Lobia (cowpea) curry and rice.
30. Do you wish on stars? I do.
31. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red
32. How is the weather right now? Cold! It’s snowing.
33. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my brother.
34. What is your favorite soft drink? wikipedia describes soft drink as any beverage that does not contain alcohol (yeah I looked it up, I am weird like that!) so I don’t have to restrict my answer to anything carbonated, I would say Frooti or Maza, mango flavored drinks basically 🙂
35. Favorite restaurant? It’s a cliche n all but nothing beats home-cooked food!
36. Hair color? Dark brown
37. What was your favorite toy as a child? Anything new…and for about 5 minutes after that!
38. Summer or winter? if i am in India then winter, if i am here in the U.S. then summer!!!
39. Chocolate or Vanilla? CHOCOLATE all the way!
41. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes, definitely and I can be a nag!
42. When was the last time you cried? An hour back — stress, I am a worrier and if you know my Dad, you know it’s in my genes!
43. What is under your bed? nothing! It’s one of those storage beds with drawers n all and in those I have books and shoes!
44. What did you do last night? played with my new cell phone.
45. Are you afraid of Death? No. I don’t know how significant it might sound especially to people who haven’t had pets, but Sam (my stupid, pain in the butt of a dog :P) died an year after I came to the U.S., I was devastated, but I handled it well and he was one of the creatures I loved most!
46. Salty or sweet? Sweet.
47. How many keys on your key ring? 4
48. How many years at your current job? did I not mention already that I don’t have a job and have never had one. Are you mocking me :X 😛
49. Favorite day of the week? Saturday!
50. Do you make friends easily? No.
51. Cake or frosting? Frosting.
52. Homemade or processed? If I have to make it then processed!
53. Book you’re enjoying right now? How to stop worrying and start living! (yes I am only 20 something and have to read that book, get that smirk off your face!)
54. Movie you could watch again and again: Ooooohhh I watch way too many movies, but only when I am all by myself and then it doesn’t matter how many times I have already seen a movie, but generally I love movies by Hrishikesh Mukherjee.
I tag anyone who’d like to take it up!
Motivational find of the day! February 2, 2009Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.
Cruising through the blogs of some truly talented people (coz that’s what you do at 3:53 pm on a Monday, just trying to get it over with!) I came across this:
It’s never too late.
It’s never too late.
It’s never too late.
It’s never too late.
It’s from Mr. Bart Boehlert’s blog, who in turn quotes someone else. Just a happy accident that I stumbled on to his blog today and his latest post. More often than not when I am behind schedule in something, even something as simple as returning a phone call, and a little more than appropriate amount of time has passed (i.e. the person on the other end has pretty much sworn off me and assumed me dead for all practical purposes), then instead of acting like a sane person I procrastinate and then procrastinate some more, till I cringe at even the thought of taking care of what should already have been done. Well, obviously this has lead to me being in quite a few pickles 😛 and surprisingly (and may be logically) after every such situation, I find that confronting the problem always results in relief and less sleepless nights than avoiding it altogether.
Now anyone would think that after realizing as much I would be a wiser and better person, but may be because I am such a complex individual or just stupider than average (no prizes for guessing which one I believe :P) I find myself going through exactly the same grind each and every time i.e. anticipating the deadline while doing absolutely NOTHING about it, followed by frantically trying to meet the damn deadline, crossing the deadline and no where near done with my work, coming up with fantastic and plausible excuses! Then comes the part where I justify my lateness to myself to quell the guilt (e.g. at least I am not going around killing people, they are much worse than me…right?). Now I am at a point where I can’t enjoy anything I do, I stop going out, stop reading (that’s a punishment for me really!), stop showering (this not so much :P) and spend most of my waking hours (which are a lot) just wishing to disappear. These are also the days when I end up wishing I smoked, but then remember how nauseous the smell makes me and how expensive cigarettes are in the U.S. and how very very broke I am. I imagine this is what most people go through, on some level, on a daily basis. But I, honey, travel the same road for weeks and then months and again and again!
Yes yes I know I am going to end up alone, sipping cheap vodka, in a box somewhere, all the while believing that my flawed soul is still beautiful and interesting enough to be on Oprah. But until that day I’ll pull myself together, gather some courage and believe in the adage : It’s better late than never! Plus my Dad tells me that it’s going to be ok and that I am awesome 🙂