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Heartbreak. May 11, 2009

Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.

It started like all affairs do – innocently, tentatively, surreptitiously. Yes we had flirted back and forth in the past but somehow it had never amounted to anything, may be it was the inexperience, may be it was the temperamental attitude, may be it was the distance. Or may be it was just fate, fate that brought us together again. We met like all old lovers do, awkwardly! Interacting only when among a group, and then only for a short while, the rest of the evening would be spent far apart from each other, with not even an exchanged glance, there never seemed a need to!

I think it was something I read on-line that made me think of what we had in the past (the internet proved to be my downfall once again).

“One little experiment couldn’t hurt” is what I thought to myself foolishly. After all we had been pretty good together. It was a happy enough beginning, we were rediscovering each other and were having a great time doing so. Turning the heat on was so easy, a caress here, a kiss(french!) there and taking it to the next level seemed like the logical thing to do. We spent many a snowy evenings huddled up together, I could gaze endlessly in those amber, searing eyes. I was like a puppet tied by a string who could never stray too far, and only too happy in my captivity.

Going public wasn’t an easy decision, afraid of the opinions and criticism certain to come my way (given that a lot of people had been burned by my latest flame), but I knew we had each other’s support, that gave me strength and to my greatest surprise our union was declared a hit by everyone. I think it was because everyone could see how happy I was at last! The part of me that felt empty was never going to feel that way again. Euphoric is the word I would have used to describe myself those days, I felt like I could take on the world.

And it is at moments like these in life when you don’t even realize that you have already started falling down from cloud nine. The delirium like state cushions the blow that others can see but you can’t even feel! Only when the people closest to you remark over your battered state, do you take a moment to check in the mirror and not even recognize the person looking back. This is not what I signed up for, I thought. I let myself be lost, unabashedly, in the warmth, the softness and the sweet sweet scents. But I couldn’t keep on lying to myself, if it continued I would die! The guilt, the taunts would consume me completely. But the thought of putting an end to our affair was certain to kill me as well. WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?

I knew where the answer lied. The one evidence strong enough to steer me in the right albeit difficult direction. The one that hasn’t always been my friend but never done me any wrong either, in fact the animosity between us was the result of the bizarre honesty we shared with each other. So that’s where I turned, to my friend/foe, I unloaded myself completely. And, as always, got the truth, that I was already aware of, but just wouldn’t acknowledge. But this time I had no way to turn, I stood defeated and so so dejected. I had done this to myself, dug my own grave. Everything would happen right in front of my eyes but I had chosen to be unaware of the facts and they had come back to bite me in the butt. Big time!

The scale pointed at 7 lbs more than last time. It was the heartbreak of the worst kind. I couldn’t go on baking anymore. The oven and I must once again be strangers. *sigh*



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