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Hrmmphh! June 14, 2009

Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.

I had a lovely post all planned out, even jotted (typed?) down a paragraph or two, but am just pissed at one of the sidekicks’ right now. Like really pissed! Planning out my verbal attack to douse him with as soon as he wakes up and promising to myself that I’ll NEVER EVER leave my dorm to come home again. NEVER! I am upset, not just because of what happened but because what happened is a testimony (at least in my opinion) for his almost disrespectful attitude.

O.K. since I am so fargone I might as well tell you the whole thing. Yesterday was a beautiful day after a long loooong time. Perfect day for barbecuing some delicious tandoori chicken (yummm). Everything is set-up and we are outside on the deck waiting for the chicken to finish cooking and I suggest that may be we should add a little more onion (smoky onion is just so damn good) and then rethink, may be it’ll be too much, after all it’s just the two of us! I said all this with nodding as the only response. 5 minutes pass by and the genius suggests “Hey may be we should add some more onion” and I get MAD! No it’s not the first time that this has happened, him not listening to me, but this time it infuriates me for some reason, it’s been 12 hours since and I am still mad!!!

When I landed here (U.S.A) and saw my brother almost after 3 years I knew that there was a distance created by time and us growing up (I was 18 when he left) that could, may be never be bridged. Or may be we just weren’t that close to begin with, you don’t notice or gauge the closeness of relationships in familiar and comfortable environment. It’s when you are thrown out in an absolutely new world with no third person or thing to distract that you realize that you don’t have anything to talk about. And that’s what happens most weekends I come down to visit. I am sure he appreciates all the work I do around here, but that’s about it. A hired help could do it for all he cares and he wouldn’t have the added burden of ferrying them to and fro 55 miles. But it has been 3 years since I have been in this country, exactly as long as we were apart, the only family he and I have close by is each other and it feels if the family thing wasn’t a factor, we would not meet for a gazillion years and it would hardly matter.

I am not a child who you yell at and then offer candy to appease! And that’s practically what happens so many times. I can’t stand just not talking because he’d rather, read, do I don’t know what or worse- talk to other people online. I can’t stand being taken for granted! What am I supposed to do? Threaten with suicide for breakfast, lunch and dinner like his crazy ass ex-girlfriend?(I know that’s mean and below the belt but I am MAD). I am miserable here, I miss my friends from home, I miss home. I miss home so much, I just miss home.

Edit: It wasn’t supposed to be this tantrum-y but as I was writing I just got angrier thinking about all the little things and then started bawling like a baby. The truth is that Bhai (my brother) can act like a total douche sometimes and he doesn’t know it. My response usually is to stop talking completely and I fear that it doesn’t exactly bother him as much as I hope it would (and by bother I mean reduce him to a crumpled pile of tears and regret). In the end he doesn’t realize what he did wrong and the whole thing blows over as I convince myself that I over-reacted. Yes I know I will die of a stress induced heart-attack very soon.



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