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Questions and Fear July 13, 2009

Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.

It surged in me like hot foaming milk which boils over the pan and sears on the burner. Gasping for breath I just tried to focus.

Avoiding reality is my speciality! But unfortunately for me avoidance always has a timeline, when you are answerable to others there’s only so long that you can look the other way and pretend the problem doesn’t exist. The parallel universe that I spend most of my time in, though is very relaxing and peaceful, isn’t helpful. It only creates a flimsy wall between me and everything that’s going wrong in my life. But I snap out of it from time to time to break out in cold-sweat and reconvince myself to go back to my world of butterflies and chocolat trees. I realize that may be many people create a haven for themselves which is either palpable or completely imaginary. A safe place where nothing and no one can touch them. May be it’s even healthy to regress to some degree within these nooks of ours. Key phrase being “to a degree” and may be that’s what I lose sight of.

The fear that gripped my throat felt so solid. It sounded melodramatic to even me but also so very accurate!

What do I do to not lose my way to reality again? How do I cease the existance of my second life? The one that’s only in my head? The one that’s as far away from reality as the human race is to finding out the size of the universe? How do I justify my stupidities and why should I care when I know that I am not the first or the last? How do I stop mixing the true with The Truth? How do I know what’s my reality?

What is my reality?

Should I care with a passion about what “others” think? I know it doesn’t matter, most learned AND pseudo-intellectuals will tell you that that’s not what life is about. But will they also snigger if I were to spend the rest of my life in a hole, uncomfortable may be, but happy…may be? What do I do tomorrow? Listen to whom and not run away somewhere why?

Can I? Just disappear? Somewhere?

Time to snap out of it and deal with my other world. Yes that’s what I’ll call it. Not my real or unreal lives but my two worlds. That way atleast one of my world’s is always worry free! And I can work towards making the other one peaceful as well.

I saw for what it really was. Just me. Every other thing remained unchanged. But me. And I can control me. I can control only me!

P.S. It might seem a little bizzare, and since I am not going to read it a second or a third time like usual, then may be also a little random. But there’s something going on/wrong in my life that I could definitely do without, but then again no one said life is going to be smooth (and I, apparently, didn’t learn very well how to deal with the bumps). All I can hope for is that I have strength enough to deal with all the crap which could for sure veer me off course from whatever I thought my plan was. I just want to remain calm and believe that whatever the outcome, my epitaph should never say “She was here, meh!”



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