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Letter August 5, 2009

Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.
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Dear Dad,

Let me start off by saying that there couldn’t have been a father more concerned or wrapped up in his children’s future and success than you. The thought of seeing his kiddos lead a comfortable and cushy lives almost consumes every second of your existance. I also undertstand that you can not help it.

Let me also add that I appreciate how you have the ability to calm me down when I am hyperventilating over menial things. How you stand with a brave face when I assault you with my honesty about my feelings, every movement, each nuance, something that not many parents have to face I think (well an example of that is my brother, from whom it’s difficult to get out even a whoop of joy for something as simple as winning a game on Wii, as well as something as grand as winning the lottery!)  I realize that I definitely lie on the other end of the spectrum of being stoic when it comes to expressing how I feel, especially to you. Many times I don’t realize that instead of telling you about the actual problem I just tell you about the anguish it’s causing me. But I do realize how utterly confused and helpless it must leave you feeling, especially considering the distance between us and how used to you are to taking care of things that trouble us (your family) and well, how used to we are to you taking care of things for us!

I don’t think I want to apologise for that. Because I feel it’s my prerogative to tell you all that stuff. You are, for want of a better term, my punching bag, someone to whom I express all my frustrations and disappointments, my anger, my fears and also my joy.(And to be perfectly honest you asked for it :P)

Now I realize that it’s been a long time since I have given you any reason to smile. It is but perfectly normal for you to assume that I am spending my days here digging my grave and readying my self to lie in it. Let me assure you that is not so! I am for better or for worse a person sturdier enough to withstand the storms. I won’t do it happily, I will allow myself to get resentful toward the “whatever” who is making me go all through that, I will rant and rave, but I will try. And that’s all I am capable of doing at this moment.

But I am learning. I don’t think smiling through ones troubles is an ability we are born with. We learn from our mistakes and our experiences and need the support of our loved ones through that learning process.

But, may be , what I have failed to see all through my learning process is how rapidly that is draining the energy from you. So here is my appeal to you can you continue to be there for me, telling me how awesome I am, how an absolute genius and still not get perturbed my how I burn myself over every little problem? I am 25 remember? I am allowed to be stupid and naive simply because i don’t know any better. And I know that you think that I don’t need to go through that phase of learning since you have already done it for me, but believe me I do. However much you tell me about your own experiences in the hope that I will absorb all that and emerge radiating the knowledge but the truth is that your stories make me hungry to have my own! Something that I can share and laugh over and learn from!

And now coming to my current state of melancholy, you know I don’t believe in religion, in fact I have a perversion toward it, because so far I have only seen the negative side effects of it more than the good it does. But I do believe in God, or the Power or whatever it is (and yes I do think it is highly unfair that we are not all born knowing what the heck we are doing on this earth, that would just make things so much more simple!) and owing to all that our recent (and not so recent) conversations have been about, the books that I am reading (which almost fall in to my hands) and the stuff that i have been thinking about, I think it is necessary for me to may be brood. Like you say, only when things get so uncomfortable that we can no longer bear them do we actually get up and do something drastic to change them. Now that should not lead you to think that I might not do what seems right in the physical world because I am so drawn in to the meta-physical. It may take me longer than normal but I will do the “other” stuff as well. But in the process I don’t want to let go of the urgency and the misery that I am going through, because even though frightening and painful, I do believe that it is leading me somewhere wonderful. I read and hear about people who have achieved absolute salvation and are in a “happy” state ALL the frikkin time. I want that for myself Dad, I want that desperately.

Now all this just might be my imagination steering me in to thinking that enlightenment is what I should be working for when in fact I should just be worrying about the submission date of my next assignment. Let me reassure you that I will worry about the submission date as well but I also want to make something of the feelings that come of all that worrying. Mainly I want to convert all those feelings of worry and panic in to something wonderful i.e. a state of constant bliss. And I am doing that. No let me correct myself, I am TRYING to do that.

I read in a book that there are three ways of telling that we are truly blesses:

  1. That we were born as human beings capable of conscious thought;
  2. That we are born with or develop a desire to sought out the eternal truth, the path to enlightenment;
  3. That we find a Guru who can help us on our journey.

These might not be the exact words but definitely contain the essence of those words. And for better or for worse, and atleast for the the time being, you are my Guru Dad.

Now why do I want you to trudge through all these 1000 odd words of nonsense that I am spouting? This is just another attempt from me to tell you how I feel and also how I want you to feel about me. It is difficult to control what others are going through, but as a part of this universe I have a duty, nay, a right to attempt to change the things my way! So I am telling you to stop worrying about me Dad even though I won’t, but I have to worry about me don’t you see? How else will I change that if I don’t even experience it? And I have to change it. I know it, You know it and whoever it is that’s making me worry knows it.

You have to work with me Dad, understand that what I am trying to achieve or want to try to achieve is not easy. It’s surprising that we as human beings are ready to endure all the pain and problems that a simple surgery (like getting your appendix out) might cause, we anticipate and expect it, ready ourselves for it and when it happens we just sigh and say but that had to happen. But a surgery as major as changing how our brain works, we want it to be completely pain free! Now that’s just not realistic now, is it? So it is all good, it’s all going to be good, I am working on it, on being happy ALL the time. Now what’s more comforting and cheerful than that 🙂

Love always,

Bachda

P.S. I am sure you read that post titled Sharabi, now I understand that that concerns you, no parent would ever want (or want to know about) their child being in that situation, add to that the onus of being Indian, I can undertand what a shcok it was to you. But Daddyji I am 25, human and in the U.S., such things are waiting to happen! Don’t get too worked up about that. Rest assured I am being safe (like ensuring that we aren’t driving around and at home with a person I trust aka Bhai) and definitely NOT doing it regularly, in fact it was the first time in the 3 years over here. We are good kids 😛 and that’s all that I want to say. I will leave a comment in this post so that reaches your mailbox and you get around to reading it ASAP.

Another thing I wanted to add was that all that I throw up in my post in this blog, that’s almost like purging for me so you end up seeing the worst of what I am feeling (and will hopefully also see the best of it). I write when I am desperate, I force myself to write then because it makes me feel better but that doessn’t mean that that’s all happening around and in me. Like did I tell you that I had my ipod on at full volume and was dancing away like a mad woman in my room just the other day? Well I was!

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