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Light June 24, 2009

Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.
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I just realized I have wings. I fly far far away AND come back.

I just realized I have wings. I don’t walk in straight lines.

I just realized I have wings. Sky is not the limit

I just realized I have wings. I hold the clippers.

I just realized I have wings. I don’t fear the unknown.

I just realized I have wings. I always knew how to use them.

I just realized I have wings.

I didn’t even know it!

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Mmmmmmmm! June 18, 2009

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What do you say about the brownies that after being in the freezer for more than 36 hours still cuts like soft butter and has just-the-right-toughness-and-crunch to the crust?

That whoever made those is a freakin GENIUS!

P.S. I really should link my twitter here!

Like ZOMG! June 18, 2009

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Like all my well intentioned ideas, the one of keeping the subject matter of this blog purely philosophical in nature (which would have then induced lively banter with the people from blogosphere regarding god, life and existential angst. Heh FUN!) is rapidly, and as we speak, going down the drain. First, because my father who was lovingly and misguidedly put into the tagline totally refuses to cooperate, and I mean like how?!? It is just writing, how hard can it be? Afterall I am doing it!

And secondly because with every second of each passing day I realize that how totally self-invovled and absorbed I am to even touch upon the topics involving anyone/anything else (even things as ambigious as the universe).

No no dear reader fear not, we are and will always strive to figure the world out because believe me when I say that it’s complicated out there. The only difference would be that those posts would often be punctuated by my rants of trying to drop a few pounds and my irresistible attraction and attachement to baking and all things cloyingly sweet and coated in chocolate (and quoting Frasier here “I can practically hear my left ventricle slamming shut as we speak”!) among other things.

Like take yesterday for instance. An absolutely beautiful day to do some strength training, may be run on the treadmill and work up a sweat or just plain stretch for a while. But since all behavior involving self-improvement would be highly out of character (and is infact genetically missing) so instead I bake! Brownies. The good part? I had a piece (oh who am I kidding I had 3) but then quickly froze the rest. No (major) harm done right? This is where your innocence makes me ache! Because it hasn’t been more than 5 days since I baked a cake(pear and coconut- odd I know) and a couple of days before that a banana bread and somewhere in between I made keylime cookies (I forget the exact date). That primarily was the reason of the hasty, cold and sad imprisonment of those brownies. Because I’d still like to live a couple years more!

Now you would say “But you are trying to LOSE weight you fool!” and you would be absolutely right and may be you’d also point out that “J’s parents will be here day after tomorrow so brownies aren’t exactly helping your cause” and you’d be, whaddya know, right again! But what can I say? Nothing That try try try again if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again; Then your courage should appear, for, if you will persevere, you will conquer, never fear; Try, try again!

Hope you are having a more sugar-less day than me 🙂

Edit: The fact that I am right now not trying to pry those chocolaty gooey pieces of absolute heaven out of that freezer (even though that’s all that I can think about) is almost testimony to my dedication to improve my health.

Oh snap! June 16, 2009

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I hate it when people apologise readily and without instigation. May be J is right, may be I am a brat! (for the uninitiated, read the previous post).

Hrmmphh! June 14, 2009

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I had a lovely post all planned out, even jotted (typed?) down a paragraph or two, but am just pissed at one of the sidekicks’ right now. Like really pissed! Planning out my verbal attack to douse him with as soon as he wakes up and promising to myself that I’ll NEVER EVER leave my dorm to come home again. NEVER! I am upset, not just because of what happened but because what happened is a testimony (at least in my opinion) for his almost disrespectful attitude.

O.K. since I am so fargone I might as well tell you the whole thing. Yesterday was a beautiful day after a long loooong time. Perfect day for barbecuing some delicious tandoori chicken (yummm). Everything is set-up and we are outside on the deck waiting for the chicken to finish cooking and I suggest that may be we should add a little more onion (smoky onion is just so damn good) and then rethink, may be it’ll be too much, after all it’s just the two of us! I said all this with nodding as the only response. 5 minutes pass by and the genius suggests “Hey may be we should add some more onion” and I get MAD! No it’s not the first time that this has happened, him not listening to me, but this time it infuriates me for some reason, it’s been 12 hours since and I am still mad!!!

When I landed here (U.S.A) and saw my brother almost after 3 years I knew that there was a distance created by time and us growing up (I was 18 when he left) that could, may be never be bridged. Or may be we just weren’t that close to begin with, you don’t notice or gauge the closeness of relationships in familiar and comfortable environment. It’s when you are thrown out in an absolutely new world with no third person or thing to distract that you realize that you don’t have anything to talk about. And that’s what happens most weekends I come down to visit. I am sure he appreciates all the work I do around here, but that’s about it. A hired help could do it for all he cares and he wouldn’t have the added burden of ferrying them to and fro 55 miles. But it has been 3 years since I have been in this country, exactly as long as we were apart, the only family he and I have close by is each other and it feels if the family thing wasn’t a factor, we would not meet for a gazillion years and it would hardly matter.

I am not a child who you yell at and then offer candy to appease! And that’s practically what happens so many times. I can’t stand just not talking because he’d rather, read, do I don’t know what or worse- talk to other people online. I can’t stand being taken for granted! What am I supposed to do? Threaten with suicide for breakfast, lunch and dinner like his crazy ass ex-girlfriend?(I know that’s mean and below the belt but I am MAD). I am miserable here, I miss my friends from home, I miss home. I miss home so much, I just miss home.

Edit: It wasn’t supposed to be this tantrum-y but as I was writing I just got angrier thinking about all the little things and then started bawling like a baby. The truth is that Bhai (my brother) can act like a total douche sometimes and he doesn’t know it. My response usually is to stop talking completely and I fear that it doesn’t exactly bother him as much as I hope it would (and by bother I mean reduce him to a crumpled pile of tears and regret). In the end he doesn’t realize what he did wrong and the whole thing blows over as I convince myself that I over-reacted. Yes I know I will die of a stress induced heart-attack very soon.

How to gain weight and feel like a douche! June 12, 2009

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A 12 step program:

Step 1: Go on a crash diet.

Step 2: Don’t (and this is very important) exercise.

Step 3: Curse God for not making you genetically gifted.

Step 4: Feel too weak to do anything (thanks to step 1) and end up doing nothing.

Step 5: Hate and judge people indulging in activities like eating and laughing.

step 6: Have a midnight binge after fasting all day.

Step 7: Come across pictures of former classmates formerly fatter (is that politically correct?) than you and now significantly thinner (and no NOT size 0, but healthy and attractive, anorexia doesn’t look pretty on anyone! Well except may be Kate Moss, but her personality more than makes up for it!) and realize that that officially makes you the lard-ass of your batch.

Step 8: Step on a weighing scale and discover that you have lost a total of @$&#%@!^*(%# half a pound.

Step 9: Cry like a baby and weigh again (tears = water weight). No change.

Step 10: Give up. Decide that curves are sexy and resolve to look up surgeries involving replacement of fat from butt to boobs.

Step 11: Junk the weighing scale and bake with a vengeance. Eat your body weight in apple crisp.

Step 12: Realize the horrer of what you have done. Track back the self-destructive behaviour to childhood trauma (I just wanted my Mommy to love me *sob*). Repeat!

Not only would you have gained weight by the end of this exercise my friend, but also would have fallen behind in your work and alienated a lot of people by snapping at them like a blood hungry bat.

Good luck!

How on earth is this possible?? June 9, 2009

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I have been avoiding carbs like plague, wolfing down greens like nobody’s business, skipping dinners (i.e. real food – curry and chapati) in lieu of soups and salads, have been off dairy (did WONDERS for my skin, no really the change is drastic and amazing, no more zit-fest! Who woulda thunk? And I love milk!) sorta, kinda trying to work out on a regular basis. All this madness has been going on for 2 weeks now and I haven’t lost a single pound!! I hate the universe (oh and it hates me back with a vengeance, thank you God, I’ll see you in heaven, you can hide but you can’t run!)

P.S. There’s a reason for my trying to switch to a “healthier” (read fastest way to drop the weight) lifestyle. My bestest friend’s parents are visiting and they are coming over to see me in another 2 weeks and I didn’t want to look like a total cow in front of their size 0 daughter (I mean one way or the other I would since J weighs practically half of what I do and she weighs even less than what she used to in India. I on the other hand went the more conventional route and piled on the lard in my 3 years here, curses on the humungous serving sizes and my feeble attachement to vegetarianism, steak is just too bloody delicious)

Bad day! May 21, 2009

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I am in a confessional mood today, mainly because am feeling down in the dumps and can’t really talk to anybody. The difference between this entry and the previous dear diary type entries is that I don’t think I want to put a positive spin on anything. Ranting is the only thing on my list. Worst part? I want to rant about myself! And I know I’ll regret it the moment I hit publish.

I have, now, come across this twice, in two different magazines and at two different times (the first was may be more than 5 years back) that- depressed people are the ones who are more realistic about situations. They see things more clearly than “normal” people and are under no delusions regarding their own or somebody else’s capabilities. Unfortunately on my bad days I can’t help thinking of this statement/fact/push over the edge! But then there are a lot of things I can’t help thinking of on my bad days (and people know I don’t have bad days. I have bad weeks!), thoughts just getting muddled up left, right and centre in that noggin of mine. You know, like in cartoons when all the letters forming the words fall down in a heap, and then some words are formed randomly and flashed across the screen. That is what happens in my head more or less (O.K. when I think of what’s in my head, literally, I don’t imagine a brain with all it’s grossed out shape, I see a room with, like, a life happening there, an alternate universe, or may be it’s more like a movie theatre, with a film about my life running 24/7 and ofcourse I am the lead, but this really pathetic, loser lead who just can’t get her life together!) And it’s on days like these that I have to force myself to breathe, because you know, what’s the point? Do I sound too morose for a 25 year old? I don’t know! I don’t know why I seem to have to fight against such feelings more often than other people (and I don’t want to believe that everyone’s going through the same amount of shit coz that thought just makes me sad, if that were the case then the world is definitely not a happy place and life not worth living). I feel like crying. I can’t stop crying. I DON’T KNOW WHY. And that drives me nuts! Not knowing why I can’t just be happy you know. I have seen my Dad struggle with it all his life, he is a worrywart, always has been. And it just confused us, his family all the time. What did he have to worry about? He had great education, went to the best engineering and business schools in India, had a good career, has a relatively normal family (coz come on NO family is normal) but was seldom genuinely happy and carefree. And the thought that I am going down the same path frightens me. But I don’t know how not to be like that, it’s like one of those elementary things, like learning to tie your shoelaces, if you learned the ‘bunny ears’ song then you probably could not switch to ‘under the bridge’ later in life!

The best way I could describe days like these are that it feels like I am sinking deeper and deeper in a mire and making feeble attempts at keeping my head up, wondering whether it would not just be easier to go down with out a fight. But there’s still something that makes me want to survive. How do I explain this need to give up and the desire to try all at once? And this “existential angst” (ooh big word) how do I know it’s nothing more than a juvenile resurfacing of some well-past-teen rebellion? After all there’s nothing palpably wrong with me. The facade I maintain is mostly a happy albeit a quiet one. Nothing for the next person not to wish to be in my shoes. Also a reason why I can’t talk to anybody, what do I tell them what’s wrong? I don’t know! I exercised, ate chocolate, slept 8 hours, drank milk and I still feel like shit (and that’s why I know scientologists are wrong, wrong, WRONG, for saying psychiatrists are hacks. And Hubbard is somewhere, astounded that people believe and pay a gazillion dollars for his fairy-tales!)

And it’s on days like these that I don’t want to be cheered up, I don’t pity myself, instead I am angry, angry at failing to be a normal human being.

And if this hasn’t been frustrating enough to read let me quote John Donne, yenjoy (oh didn’t I warn I’ll take you down with me? You are welcome)

“I, by Love’s, limbec am the grave

Of all that’s nothing. Oft a flood

have we two wept, and so

Drown’d the whole world, us two; oft did we grow

To be two chaoses, when we did show

care to aught else; and often absences

Withdrew our souls, and made us carcasses.”

(From: A Nocturnal upon St. Lucy’s day)

A joke? May 17, 2009

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I burst out laughing when I read this in the June issue of Reader’s Digest (that reminds me, what in the world happened to my May issue? I swear the mailroom kids are swiping all my good mags, did I mention that I live in the university dorms?). I think I want to learn something from this joke (way to go to make it funnier eh?!?) but can’t articulate at this moment, too busy laughing you see! So here it is:

“Every ten years, the monks in the monastry are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

😀

Like a wink and a smile :) May 14, 2009

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My taste in music can be described as eclectic, at best, and this is one of my favorite. Hope it makes you smile and dance coz I can’t help doing both! (and how can you not with lyrics as pretty as these)

Now my heart is music

Such a simple song

singing again, the notes never end

This is where I belong