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How to gain weight and feel like a douche! June 12, 2009

Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.
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A 12 step program:

Step 1: Go on a crash diet.

Step 2: Don’t (and this is very important) exercise.

Step 3: Curse God for not making you genetically gifted.

Step 4: Feel too weak to do anything (thanks to step 1) and end up doing nothing.

Step 5: Hate and judge people indulging in activities like eating and laughing.

step 6: Have a midnight binge after fasting all day.

Step 7: Come across pictures of former classmates formerly fatter (is that politically correct?) than you and now significantly thinner (and no NOT size 0, but healthy and attractive, anorexia doesn’t look pretty on anyone! Well except may be Kate Moss, but her personality more than makes up for it!) and realize that that officially makes you the lard-ass of your batch.

Step 8: Step on a weighing scale and discover that you have lost a total of @$&#%@!^*(%# half a pound.

Step 9: Cry like a baby and weigh again (tears = water weight). No change.

Step 10: Give up. Decide that curves are sexy and resolve to look up surgeries involving replacement of fat from butt to boobs.

Step 11: Junk the weighing scale and bake with a vengeance. Eat your body weight in apple crisp.

Step 12: Realize the horrer of what you have done. Track back the self-destructive behaviour to childhood trauma (I just wanted my Mommy to love me *sob*). Repeat!

Not only would you have gained weight by the end of this exercise my friend, but also would have fallen behind in your work and alienated a lot of people by snapping at them like a blood hungry bat.

Good luck!


How on earth is this possible?? June 9, 2009

Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.
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I have been avoiding carbs like plague, wolfing down greens like nobody’s business, skipping dinners (i.e. real food – curry and chapati) in lieu of soups and salads, have been off dairy (did WONDERS for my skin, no really the change is drastic and amazing, no more zit-fest! Who woulda thunk? And I love milk!) sorta, kinda trying to work out on a regular basis. All this madness has been going on for 2 weeks now and I haven’t lost a single pound!! I hate the universe (oh and it hates me back with a vengeance, thank you God, I’ll see you in heaven, you can hide but you can’t run!)

P.S. There’s a reason for my trying to switch to a “healthier” (read fastest way to drop the weight) lifestyle. My bestest friend’s parents are visiting and they are coming over to see me in another 2 weeks and I didn’t want to look like a total cow in front of their size 0 daughter (I mean one way or the other I would since J weighs practically half of what I do and she weighs even less than what she used to in India. I on the other hand went the more conventional route and piled on the lard in my 3 years here, curses on the humungous serving sizes and my feeble attachement to vegetarianism, steak is just too bloody delicious)