Deewane

Bad day! May 21, 2009

I am in a confessional mood today, mainly because am feeling down in the dumps and can’t really talk to anybody. The difference between this entry and the previous dear diary type entries is that I don’t think I want to put a positive spin on anything. Ranting is the only thing on my list. Worst part? I want to rant about myself! And I know I’ll regret it the moment I hit publish.

I have, now, come across this twice, in two different magazines and at two different times (the first was may be more than 5 years back) that- depressed people are the ones who are more realistic about situations. They see things more clearly than “normal” people and are under no delusions regarding their own or somebody else’s capabilities. Unfortunately on my bad days I can’t help thinking of this statement/fact/push over the edge! But then there are a lot of things I can’t help thinking of on my bad days (and people know I don’t have bad days. I have bad weeks!), thoughts just getting muddled up left, right and centre in that noggin of mine. You know, like in cartoons when all the letters forming the words fall down in a heap, and then some words are formed randomly and flashed across the screen. That is what happens in my head more or less (O.K. when I think of what’s in my head, literally, I don’t imagine a brain with all it’s grossed out shape, I see a room with, like, a life happening there, an alternate universe, or may be it’s more like a movie theatre, with a film about my life running 24/7 and ofcourse I am the lead, but this really pathetic, loser lead who just can’t get her life together!) And it’s on days like these that I have to force myself to breathe, because you know, what’s the point? Do I sound too morose for a 25 year old? I don’t know! I don’t know why I seem to have to fight against such feelings more often than other people (and I don’t want to believe that everyone’s going through the same amount of shit coz that thought just makes me sad, if that were the case then the world is definitely not a happy place and life not worth living). I feel like crying. I can’t stop crying. I DON’T KNOW WHY. And that drives me nuts! Not knowing why I can’t just be happy you know. I have seen my Dad struggle with it all his life, he is a worrywart, always has been. And it just confused us, his family all the time. What did he have to worry about? He had great education, went to the best engineering and business schools in India, had a good career, has a relatively normal family (coz come on NO family is normal) but was seldom genuinely happy and carefree. And the thought that I am going down the same path frightens me. But I don’t know how not to be like that, it’s like one of those elementary things, like learning to tie your shoelaces, if you learned the ‘bunny ears’ song then you probably could not switch to ‘under the bridge’ later in life!

The best way I could describe days like these are that it feels like I am sinking deeper and deeper in a mire and making feeble attempts at keeping my head up, wondering whether it would not just be easier to go down with out a fight. But there’s still something that makes me want to survive. How do I explain this need to give up and the desire to try all at once? And this “existential angst” (ooh big word) how do I know it’s nothing more than a juvenile resurfacing of some well-past-teen rebellion? After all there’s nothing palpably wrong with me. The facade I maintain is mostly a happy albeit a quiet one. Nothing for the next person not to wish to be in my shoes. Also a reason why I can’t talk to anybody, what do I tell them what’s wrong? I don’t know! I exercised, ate chocolate, slept 8 hours, drank milk and I still feel like shit (and that’s why I know scientologists are wrong, wrong, WRONG, for saying psychiatrists are hacks. And Hubbard is somewhere, astounded that people believe and pay a gazillion dollars for his fairy-tales!)

And it’s on days like these that I don’t want to be cheered up, I don’t pity myself, instead I am angry, angry at failing to be a normal human being.

And if this hasn’t been frustrating enough to read let me quote John Donne, yenjoy (oh didn’t I warn I’ll take you down with me? You are welcome)

“I, by Love’s, limbec am the grave

Of all that’s nothing. Oft a flood

have we two wept, and so

Drown’d the whole world, us two; oft did we grow

To be two chaoses, when we did show

care to aught else; and often absences

Withdrew our souls, and made us carcasses.”

(From: A Nocturnal upon St. Lucy’s day)