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Just call my name… June 28, 2009

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I fought it with all my might, but it’s 4:47 AM, and I am drunk (btw I make kick-ass mojitos)!

Michael Jackson is dead and after my first reaction of utter and complete disbelief (Why?) the news made me sad. He wasn’t my idol, I hadn’t listened to his music in some 10 odd years and I did find him weird like the rest of the world. But he was a part of my childhood (from a distance thankfully, I think…oooh dead-guy-burn!)

Even though I don’t recall the exact year that he was first supposed to be in India on a tour but I do remember the frenzy. The era of only 2 channels on the T.V.! Javed Jaffery hosted a show every week on D.D. Metro either a month or 6 months prior to the impending arrival of the King of Pop. I was 8 or 9, definitely younger than 10, and I and Bhai would spend our days listening to the sole MJ cd we had (Thriller) and practising our moon-walk. Since I couldn’t understand the lyrics I obviously wasn’t that “involved” but Bhai practised MJ’s signature over and over again and then finally carved it on his arm with a compass needle. I remember thinking that was so cool, and if I didn’t have the pain threshold of an amoeba I definitely would have done the same.

I did do what I could though. Like when Mum got us each a helium balloon from the weekly bazaar (a special treat since it did cost Rs2/-, twice that of a regular balloon) Bhai and I, each tied a paper to the balloon string reading “MICHAEL JACKSON IS THE KING OF POP” and released them in the hope of it landing in the hands of another ardent fan. I am sure that happened (I still am bitter about the loss of that balloon)!

I also remember my cousin buying my brother 2 MJ posters as a gift on his birthday, and strangely enough while I vividly recall the image on one (it was the cover of his ‘Bad’ album) I have no idea of the other. We stuck it on the only available wall in the room, over our grandma’s bed, on either side of a Madonna poster that we got for “free” after collecting some n number of pepsi bottle caps.

Even Dad liked MJ’s music and let us watch Javed’s show on T.V., coz he’d watch it with us, we even taped some of the episodes because we had gotten a VCR recently and no one had even heard of reruns! And I remember being crushed when he cancelled his tour the first time around even though there was no chance in hell that I could have made it to the concert (I don’t think any 8-year old could have!) I remember not being this crazy about any other artist just for his or her art, so I guess that does make him my idol, even if mainly because of older sibling pressure and influence. I think one of the things I truly am proud of from my teen years is the fact that I never was crazy about any of the 90’s boy-bands, still can’t name any of their singers or songs. So Damn Proud! I did fall in love with Shahrukh Khan though, only because a friend was head over heels and wouldn’t stop talking about him. Did all the normal things like kiss his poster goodnight and write my name with his last name on all my notebooks, but just for the heck of it. He wasn’t MJ! MJ sang, danced, wrote his songs, and composed, had a female guitarist, bought out toy-stores for orphans and could moon-walk. He was the coolest person EVER. I am sure it had something to do with Dad reiterating at every available opportunity that singers are the true artists and actors just..umm…actors, nothing more. In all the years that followed no one could reclaim the hold MJ had on my heart, I didn’t love him, I respected him, with all that an 8-year old’s heart could muster.

And now the legacy of his music is demanding the attention of the world once again. Twitter crashed, 65,000 texts per second on the at&t network- pure madness. It might be short-lived but I am sure it’s not fickle.

I hadn’t listened to his music in 10 years. I haven’t stopped since yesterday. Your death made me sad Michael. I never knew the person but I loved the star! (Even of it took me 2 days and a lot of alcohol to write about him). I will miss you.

Light June 24, 2009

Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.

I just realized I have wings. I fly far far away AND come back.

I just realized I have wings. I don’t walk in straight lines.

I just realized I have wings. Sky is not the limit

I just realized I have wings. I hold the clippers.

I just realized I have wings. I don’t fear the unknown.

I just realized I have wings. I always knew how to use them.

I just realized I have wings.

I didn’t even know it!

Mmmmmmmm! June 18, 2009

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What do you say about the brownies that after being in the freezer for more than 36 hours still cuts like soft butter and has just-the-right-toughness-and-crunch to the crust?

That whoever made those is a freakin GENIUS!

P.S. I really should link my twitter here!

Like ZOMG! June 18, 2009

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Like all my well intentioned ideas, the one of keeping the subject matter of this blog purely philosophical in nature (which would have then induced lively banter with the people from blogosphere regarding god, life and existential angst. Heh FUN!) is rapidly, and as we speak, going down the drain. First, because my father who was lovingly and misguidedly put into the tagline totally refuses to cooperate, and I mean like how?!? It is just writing, how hard can it be? Afterall I am doing it!

And secondly because with every second of each passing day I realize that how totally self-invovled and absorbed I am to even touch upon the topics involving anyone/anything else (even things as ambigious as the universe).

No no dear reader fear not, we are and will always strive to figure the world out because believe me when I say that it’s complicated out there. The only difference would be that those posts would often be punctuated by my rants of trying to drop a few pounds and my irresistible attraction and attachement to baking and all things cloyingly sweet and coated in chocolate (and quoting Frasier here “I can practically hear my left ventricle slamming shut as we speak”!) among other things.

Like take yesterday for instance. An absolutely beautiful day to do some strength training, may be run on the treadmill and work up a sweat or just plain stretch for a while. But since all behavior involving self-improvement would be highly out of character (and is infact genetically missing) so instead I bake! Brownies. The good part? I had a piece (oh who am I kidding I had 3) but then quickly froze the rest. No (major) harm done right? This is where your innocence makes me ache! Because it hasn’t been more than 5 days since I baked a cake(pear and coconut- odd I know) and a couple of days before that a banana bread and somewhere in between I made keylime cookies (I forget the exact date). That primarily was the reason of the hasty, cold and sad imprisonment of those brownies. Because I’d still like to live a couple years more!

Now you would say “But you are trying to LOSE weight you fool!” and you would be absolutely right and may be you’d also point out that “J’s parents will be here day after tomorrow so brownies aren’t exactly helping your cause” and you’d be, whaddya know, right again! But what can I say? Nothing That try try try again if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again; Then your courage should appear, for, if you will persevere, you will conquer, never fear; Try, try again!

Hope you are having a more sugar-less day than me 🙂

Edit: The fact that I am right now not trying to pry those chocolaty gooey pieces of absolute heaven out of that freezer (even though that’s all that I can think about) is almost testimony to my dedication to improve my health.

Oh snap! June 16, 2009

Posted by deewane in Uncategorized.

I hate it when people apologise readily and without instigation. May be J is right, may be I am a brat! (for the uninitiated, read the previous post).

Hrmmphh! June 14, 2009

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I had a lovely post all planned out, even jotted (typed?) down a paragraph or two, but am just pissed at one of the sidekicks’ right now. Like really pissed! Planning out my verbal attack to douse him with as soon as he wakes up and promising to myself that I’ll NEVER EVER leave my dorm to come home again. NEVER! I am upset, not just because of what happened but because what happened is a testimony (at least in my opinion) for his almost disrespectful attitude.

O.K. since I am so fargone I might as well tell you the whole thing. Yesterday was a beautiful day after a long loooong time. Perfect day for barbecuing some delicious tandoori chicken (yummm). Everything is set-up and we are outside on the deck waiting for the chicken to finish cooking and I suggest that may be we should add a little more onion (smoky onion is just so damn good) and then rethink, may be it’ll be too much, after all it’s just the two of us! I said all this with nodding as the only response. 5 minutes pass by and the genius suggests “Hey may be we should add some more onion” and I get MAD! No it’s not the first time that this has happened, him not listening to me, but this time it infuriates me for some reason, it’s been 12 hours since and I am still mad!!!

When I landed here (U.S.A) and saw my brother almost after 3 years I knew that there was a distance created by time and us growing up (I was 18 when he left) that could, may be never be bridged. Or may be we just weren’t that close to begin with, you don’t notice or gauge the closeness of relationships in familiar and comfortable environment. It’s when you are thrown out in an absolutely new world with no third person or thing to distract that you realize that you don’t have anything to talk about. And that’s what happens most weekends I come down to visit. I am sure he appreciates all the work I do around here, but that’s about it. A hired help could do it for all he cares and he wouldn’t have the added burden of ferrying them to and fro 55 miles. But it has been 3 years since I have been in this country, exactly as long as we were apart, the only family he and I have close by is each other and it feels if the family thing wasn’t a factor, we would not meet for a gazillion years and it would hardly matter.

I am not a child who you yell at and then offer candy to appease! And that’s practically what happens so many times. I can’t stand just not talking because he’d rather, read, do I don’t know what or worse- talk to other people online. I can’t stand being taken for granted! What am I supposed to do? Threaten with suicide for breakfast, lunch and dinner like his crazy ass ex-girlfriend?(I know that’s mean and below the belt but I am MAD). I am miserable here, I miss my friends from home, I miss home. I miss home so much, I just miss home.

Edit: It wasn’t supposed to be this tantrum-y but as I was writing I just got angrier thinking about all the little things and then started bawling like a baby. The truth is that Bhai (my brother) can act like a total douche sometimes and he doesn’t know it. My response usually is to stop talking completely and I fear that it doesn’t exactly bother him as much as I hope it would (and by bother I mean reduce him to a crumpled pile of tears and regret). In the end he doesn’t realize what he did wrong and the whole thing blows over as I convince myself that I over-reacted. Yes I know I will die of a stress induced heart-attack very soon.

How to gain weight and feel like a douche! June 12, 2009

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A 12 step program:

Step 1: Go on a crash diet.

Step 2: Don’t (and this is very important) exercise.

Step 3: Curse God for not making you genetically gifted.

Step 4: Feel too weak to do anything (thanks to step 1) and end up doing nothing.

Step 5: Hate and judge people indulging in activities like eating and laughing.

step 6: Have a midnight binge after fasting all day.

Step 7: Come across pictures of former classmates formerly fatter (is that politically correct?) than you and now significantly thinner (and no NOT size 0, but healthy and attractive, anorexia doesn’t look pretty on anyone! Well except may be Kate Moss, but her personality more than makes up for it!) and realize that that officially makes you the lard-ass of your batch.

Step 8: Step on a weighing scale and discover that you have lost a total of @$&#%@!^*(%# half a pound.

Step 9: Cry like a baby and weigh again (tears = water weight). No change.

Step 10: Give up. Decide that curves are sexy and resolve to look up surgeries involving replacement of fat from butt to boobs.

Step 11: Junk the weighing scale and bake with a vengeance. Eat your body weight in apple crisp.

Step 12: Realize the horrer of what you have done. Track back the self-destructive behaviour to childhood trauma (I just wanted my Mommy to love me *sob*). Repeat!

Not only would you have gained weight by the end of this exercise my friend, but also would have fallen behind in your work and alienated a lot of people by snapping at them like a blood hungry bat.

Good luck!

How on earth is this possible?? June 9, 2009

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I have been avoiding carbs like plague, wolfing down greens like nobody’s business, skipping dinners (i.e. real food – curry and chapati) in lieu of soups and salads, have been off dairy (did WONDERS for my skin, no really the change is drastic and amazing, no more zit-fest! Who woulda thunk? And I love milk!) sorta, kinda trying to work out on a regular basis. All this madness has been going on for 2 weeks now and I haven’t lost a single pound!! I hate the universe (oh and it hates me back with a vengeance, thank you God, I’ll see you in heaven, you can hide but you can’t run!)

P.S. There’s a reason for my trying to switch to a “healthier” (read fastest way to drop the weight) lifestyle. My bestest friend’s parents are visiting and they are coming over to see me in another 2 weeks and I didn’t want to look like a total cow in front of their size 0 daughter (I mean one way or the other I would since J weighs practically half of what I do and she weighs even less than what she used to in India. I on the other hand went the more conventional route and piled on the lard in my 3 years here, curses on the humungous serving sizes and my feeble attachement to vegetarianism, steak is just too bloody delicious)